Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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