New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She bit a glass in half.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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