WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
