The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
