sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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