Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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