did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
