I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
