Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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