Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
