my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
