Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
