Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
