He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
worst night to have a conscience
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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