I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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