Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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