Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
