that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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