theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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