I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
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Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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