My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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