I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
