You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
