I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
