I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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