the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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