I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
