Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
third nipple confirmed
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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