This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
