My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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