You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
