seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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