There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
A bitchslap is in order.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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