You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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