So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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