ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
