That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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