Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
