my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
