After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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