I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
