I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
