And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
