i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
This house was built for laser tag.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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