i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
