Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"