my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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