Cold hands, warm shart.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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