Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
