Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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