Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
