shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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