I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Randomize
