So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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